      __________ 
     /            \
   /                \
  |     Mystery      |
  |     Science      |
  |     Theater      |
  |      3000        |
   \                /
     \____________/


1...2...3...4...5...6...G...

     [SATELLITE OF LOVE]

     [Crow, Gypsy, and Tom Servo are each seated in front of a computer.  Mike
     appears in front of them]
 
MIKE:  [to Cambot]Oh, hi everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love.  I'm
Mike Nelson.  My robots Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy recently got ahold of an 
I-F programming language called Inform, and they're just about to unveil their 
very first text adventures.  Let's take a look.

CROW:  [Excited]Oh!  Oh!  Me first!  Me first!  Oh, oh, oh!  Me, me, me!

MIKE: Would you like to go first, Crow?

CROW:  [A bit reluctantly]Ummm...well, I guess so.

MIKE: Okay, let's see what you've got.[Reads]"The roar of rotating blades
thunders in your ears as the chopper descends into the thick undergrowth of 
the jungle below.  Fearlessly, you strap on a belt laced with grenades and 
sling your M-16 over your shoulder, the urge to kill quickening your pulse 
until you feel positively invincible.  The chopper swings into a landing, and 
you leap out, determined to rescue the POWs and prove yourself a hero to the 
proud nation in which you were born and raised."  Wow, this is really 
exciting, Crow.  Great introduction.

CROW: Umm, it's not done yet, Mike.

MIKE: Oh, there's more?[Taps the <Enter> key, then continues reading]"A 
squadron of armed enemy troops, dressed in camouflauge, leap out of the 
surrounding undergrowth.  You fire round upon round at them, lacing each body 
with a string of bullets that shatters bones and sprays the nearby foliage a 
bright crimson.  When the last one drops dead at your feet, you race through 
the jungle to a village of grass huts, plastering any who dare stand in your 
way.  The earth is stained red with the blood of the enemy!"

CROW:  [Interrupting]This is my favorite part, right here!

MIKE:  [Continues reading]"Emerging into the village, you dodge gunfire 
while lobbing grenades at enemy soldiers!  Explosions rock the land!  Bullets
and bodies fly everywhere!  The carnage continues for hours.  Then, suddenly, 
a profound silence.  You race into the center of the POW camp and smash open 
the front gates.  You lead the prisoners back to the clearing, where the 
chopper is waiting.  You fly back to the states and are awarded the Medal of 
Honor for your heroism!  Congratulations!"

CROW:  [Pleased]Well?  Whadya think?

MIKE: Umm, Crow?  Don't you think this game could use a few puzzles?

CROW:  [A little embarassed]Oh yeah, heh heh.  I guess I sort of got carried 
away there.  I was watching "Rambo" earlier, and one thing led to another...

     [The commercial sign light flashes]

MIKE: We'll be right back.

     [It's once again time for the wacky exploits of Mentos, the Freshmaker!]

     [After the commercials, show Mike and the bots, as before]

MIKE: Well, I thought it was a good first try, Crow.

CROW: Really?  You really liked it, Mike?

MIKE: Of course I did.  Now let's see what Gypsy's been up to.[Reads Gypsy's 
screen]"Richard Basehart Adventure, by Gypsy."

GYPSY:Yaaaaay!  Richard Basehart!  Richard Basehart!

MIKE:  [Calms Gypsy down, then continues reading]"You are standing in 
Richard Basehart's house.  Richard Basehart is here."  Okay, let's see... 
[Types]"EXAMINE RICHARD BASEHART."[Reads]"You see nothing special."  
Well, let's try...[Types]"TALK TO RICHARD BASEHART."[Reads]"Nothing 
happens."  Hmmm. Would you mind giving me a clue here, Gypsy?

GYPSY:"KISS RICHARD BASEHART?"

MIKE:  [Types]Okay, "KISS RICHARD BASEHART."[Reads]It says, "You win."

GYPSY:Yaaaaaay!  Richard Basehart!  Richard Basehart!  Yaaaaaaay!

CROW: That's IT?!  Geez, not very good.

     [Gypsy starts crying. Mike tries to comfort her]

TOM:  Oh, you're really one to talk, Crow.  At least she included some actual 
interactivity in hers!

CROW: Ahh, bite me, Servo!

     [The two bots start fighting, but Mike breaks it up]

MIKE: Cut it out, guys.  We still haven't seen Tom's game yet.

     [Crow peers at Tom's computer, then laughs]

CROW: Check this out, Mike!  His screen's completely blank!  He hasn't typed 
a thing![Snickers to himself]

TOM:  I can't help it! My arms don't work!!

CROW: Loser.

TOM:   [On the verge of tears]Shut up, just SHUT UP!!

     [They start fighting again. Gypsy continues crying for Richard Basehart.
     The mads' light begins flashing]

MIKE: Uh-oh, cool it, guys.  Looks like Duncanthrax and Dimwit Flathead are 
calling.


     [DEEP 13]

     [Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are standing in the foreground]

DR.F: Ah, greetings, "Aunt Jemima."  I see you and your little friends have 
discovered the joys of Interactive Fiction.  Guess I have no choice but to 
reveal to you the darker side of it with this week's experiment!  But first, 
the Invention Exchange.  Frank?

     [Frank pushes a cart with a computer, electronic helmet, and another 
     strange device into the foreground]

FRANK:Thanks, Steve.  Well, Mike, as you know, one of the biggest frustrations
with text adventures is the terminology.  Let's face it, sometimes you just 
can't guess what words the author wants you to use when you type your commands.

DR.F: That's why we've come up with this little device I like to call the 
"Fictionary."  Basically, it's a translator that feeds the recognized 
vocabulary of an adventure game directly into your brain.  That way, you 
always know which words will work and which ones won't.

FRANK:See, how it works is, one end of the Fictionary[Indicates the strange 
device]has a coax cable running into this cyber-helmet you wear over your 
head.[Puts the helmet on] The other end is wired to the hard drive and 
motherboard of this computer, and it interprets the game file and sends the 
processed vocabulary directly into your mind.

DR.F:  [To Mike]It's really quite technical, booby, so don't strain your 
little mind trying to comprehend it.

FRANK:Here, check it out.

     [Frank switches the machine on, then just stands there]

DR.F: Frank?

FRANK:Sorry, but I don't know the word 'Frank.'

DR.F:  [A little alarmed]Frank, what's happening?

FRANK:Sorry, but I don't know the word 'happening.'

DR.F: What the...?[Opens the computer case and looks inside]Frank, you 
numbskull, you wired it all wrong![Explanatory, to Mike and bots]It's 
sending the parser itself into his brain.  Right now, Frank thinks he's a ZIP 
interpreter.

FRANK:I don't understand.  Please try rephrasing that.

DR.F:  [A little embarrassed]As you can see, we still haven't gotten all the 
bugs worked out...

FRANK:I can't go that way.

     [Dr. Forrester sighs, and switches the machine off. Frank shakes his 
     head and looks around, disoriented]


     [SATELLITE OF LOVE]

TOM:  Wow.  Now THAT'S weird.

[Mike has brought one of the bots' computers into the foreground, and there
 is a device with two robotic arms connected to the terminal]

MIKE: Well, Dr. F, here's our invention.  Basically, we've come up with a fun
new method of measuring force between two objects in contact with each other.

CROW: See, you take two objects, such as this box of Wild Rebels cereal and 
Joey the Lemur, load one into each of these arms here... [Mike does so] ...and 
run a simple computer program.

     [Mike types on the terminal.  The two arms begin moving back and forth, 
     rubbing the two objects against each other.  A piece of paper slides out 
     of a printer attached to the computer]

MIKE: As you can see, it analyzes the forces at work and presents you with a 
whole sheet of raw data based on its observations.  We call it "Interactive 
Friction!"

CROW: And the computer program is a "SLIP Interpreter!"

TOM:  What do you think, Sirs?


     [DEEP 13]

FRANK:"Interactive Friction?" I don't get it.

DR.F:  [Dismissively]Oh, never mind, Frank.  They're just toying with you. 
[Turns back to face Mike and the bots]Well, "Michael Berlyn," your 
experiment today is a little piece of Interactive Tripe with an astoundingly 
infantile storyline and no puzzles to speak of.


     [SATELLITE OF LOVE]

TOM:   [Sarcastially, to Crow]Now why does _that_ sound familiar?

CROW: Don't make me hurt you, Servo.


     [DEEP 13]

DR.F:  [Continuing]It's a hard-boiled little program called "Detective," and 
it will make you wish you'd never _heard_ of text adventures.  And so, as the 
Implementors say, "Feel Free" -- to DIE![Laughs evilly]Frank, send them 
the game.

     [While Dr. Forrester has been talking, Frank has slipped the Fictionary 
     helmet onto his head again]

FRANK:Sorry, but I don't know the word 'game.'

DR.F:  [Sighs]Frank, do you really want me to kill you a third time today?

FRANK:Sorry, but I don't know the word 'today'.

DR.F: Do you know the word 'PAIN,'  Frank?  Endless, intense, excruciating 
PAIN?  Now take that thing off and push the button!

FRANK: [Looks around]Sorry, but I can't see any 'button' here.

DR.F:  [Exasperated]Oh, for the love of God...

[He pushes the button himself]


     [SATELLITE OF LOVE]

MIKE: Oh, we've got MOVIE SIGN!!!

     [General chaos ensues]
